


It's Darkest Before the Dawn

by NinjaGrapeTurtle



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec is sad, Alec remembers Max, Gen, M/M, Magnus is comforting and protective, Max used to love Anime, One Piece show mentioned, and the best boyfriend ever, so Alec watches anime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-15 06:00:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13607040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NinjaGrapeTurtle/pseuds/NinjaGrapeTurtle
Summary: Alec remembers his baby brother, Max Lightwood, on the first anniversary of his death. Magnus is there with warm hugs and comforting words.





	It's Darkest Before the Dawn

Alec laid on the couch watching the tv as the occasional tear slid down his pale cheek. He had been this way since he woke up this morning after Magnus had left. Normally, Alec was up and training way before Magnus woke up, but today, Alec hadn't felt much motivation to get up. He hadn't felt like doing anything today. Today marked a year since he lost his precious baby brother. 

Once he awoke, he lay in bed for a while longer, staring up at the ceiling. Logically, he knew that he should try and be productive and that that is what his little brother would have wanted. But the other side of his brain, the anxiety-driven, and illogical part, told him to stay in bed. To wallow in self-pity. 

He still couldn't get past the haunting thought that he could have done something. He should have been able to do something. Max should never have been caught in the middle of their battle. But he was. And he paid the price for it. 

Alec felt a burning sensation build up in his eyes but could not bring himself to wipe away the oncoming tears. Rolling over, the eldest Lightwood sibling brought his blanket closer and he stared out the window blankly. 

His fault. It was his fault. And there was nothing he could do about it. He had failed as an older brother. As a protector. Sure he still had Izzy and Jace and Magnus and Simon. But no Max. Max should still be there. 

Alec remembered the plans they had made a week before Max was killed. Max had been obsessed with some anime called... "One Piece" was it? Alec couldn't fully remember. But Max had somehow convinced Alec to agree to a marathon of the anime for his 13th birthday. Alec felt a pang in his heart when he thought about his little brother's birthday wishes. It was his 13th birthday and all he had wanted was to watch some anime with his older brother. 

Thinking about the plans they had had, Alec remembered that he had swiped the entire series from Max's room a few months after he had passed away. He had swiped it when his parents were out of town and not paying attention to who was going into Max's room. 

Alec slowly got out of bed and headed over to the closet. He knelt down on the floor and dragged out a small box located at the bottom right corner of the closet. Alec's eyes misted over again as he looked over the items in the box. Inside were some things that had belonged to Max. One thing, in particular, made the pang inside Alec's chest grow even more. It was a plush doll of Max's favorite character from the show. He couldn't remember his name but Max had once told him he was his favorite because he was a sharpshooter and that reminded him of Alec and his love for archery. Alec held onto the plush for a while before putting it back safely into the box. 

Alec finally found what he was looking for and pulled it out. A boxed set of the series so far. After a few minutes of debating whether or not it would be a good idea to watch this right now, Alec got up with the DVDs and headed to the living room. 

Alec sat down on the couch and stared at the boxed set that he had gotten Max for his ninth birthday. He chuckled wetly as he thought about how much Max had loved this show and how he himself had always thought it to be way too over the top. Looking at it now though, it was one of his last connections to Max and watching it meant being closer to Max. It meant understanding and being close to one more part of his brother. 

He got up from the couch to put in the first DVD and sat back down to watch the anime. Almost immediately loud and shrill music started pouring out of the speakers in Japanese. Luckily, the Lightwood siblings had all learned various languages throughout their childhood so he wasn't completely lost but it wasn't until a few episodes in that he started to really grasp the plot and purpose of the show. He could see why Max had loved this show. It was about family and adventure.

Alec's smile faltered as he thought about Max again. Maybe this wasn't the best idea but he felt as if he couldn't stop now. As he continued to watch he felt he laid down. He could see why Max loved this show so much. Maybe this show wasn't so bad after all.

Alec felt his heart begin to crack again when he reached the part about Nami losing her adoptive mom. She was just a little girl but she sacrificed everything for those she loved and she still felt grief that she couldn't save her mom. New tears began to stream down his face when Magnus arrived home. 

He had been laying there for a while and had lost track of time when the warlock had walked in. Magnus felt his grin disappear from his face when he saw the tears in Alec's eyes and he suddenly remembered what day it was.

Magnus felt his heart shatter when he looked closer at the state his boyfriend was in. Alec was curled up on the couch, tears streaming down his face. The Warlock turned toward the TV and recognized what was on, only causing his heart to crack even further. 

"Oh, Alexander." 

Alec looked up at the older man and sniffled quietly. "Mags..." His voice cracked slightly. That was all it took for Magnus to throw his bags down and cross the room to the couch where he took Alec pulled Alec onto his lap and wrapped his arms around him. 

"I'm right here, sweetheart. I'm right here."

Alec clutched to the front of Magnus' vest as he buried his face in his neck. 

"I miss him, Mags. I miss him so much."

Magnus began to stroke Alec's hair. "I know, love. I know."

"It's... it's my fault. I should have been there. I should have-"

"Alexander Gideon Lightwood, that is enough," Magnus scolded. 

Alec stilled and looked up at his boyfriend. 

Magnus had a stern look on his face as he vehemently, "None of this was your fault. Max did not die because of you. He died because of that monster Sebastian. And Max would certainly not want you blaming yourself. You know he wouldn't. He loved you so so much and he looked up to you. You mustn't ever forget that."

Alec only stared at Magnus for a minute before resting his head back on the warlock's shoulder. 

"You're right," he whispered. "I know you're right. I hate that."

Magnus chuckled at that as he placed a kiss on Alec's temple.

"But my brain won't stop replaying that day over and over in my head and... the other part, the more illogical side, won't let me stop blaming myself. I just..." He trailed off as he sank further into his boyfriend's arms. 

Magnus tightened his hold on Alec and began rocking him back and forth. "I know. I know, love. This voice will tell you that things would have been different had you reacted sooner or differently. It tries to tell you that you have failed and make you believe that you will also fail from then on out. That there is nothing you can do to reconcile what has happened. It hurts more and more every day and it tears at you until you feel hollow and numb. 

Alec had repositioned himself so he was staring up at Magnus. He felt his heart break for his boyfriend, guessing who he was talking and where he got the knowledge of the same things he was feeling. Ragnor.

"But, baby, there comes a day when you realize that all of that is a load of bullshit and that you have so much to still to live for. You have friends and family that adore and love you. They believe in you and trust you to be there for a long time to come. What happened with Max was not your fault. It never has been and never will be. And I will bet you anything that Isabelle and everyone else will side with me on this one."

Alec felt his begin to burn with unshed tears again as he took a shaky breath, leaning his forehead against Magnus'. 

"How? How do you ignore all of that and get past it? It seems so impossible. And I hate it. I hate feeling this way. Vulnerable. I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be the strong one. For Izzy and my family..." 

"Alexander, it's ok to feel vulnerable once and a while. It does not under any circumstances make you any less of a man. It's ok to cry especially when you're hurting. No one is going to think any less of you." Magnus replied. "At least I won't and let's face it. I'm right because my opinion is the only one that matters. 

Alec laughed wetly as he reburied his face into Magnus' neck. 

"Let me be strong for you." Magnus pleaded.

They laid like that for a while, Alec reveling in the warmth of his boyfriend's arms and Magnus continuing to rock him back and forth. 

"Is this... is this what it felt like when Ragnor died?" Alec whispered, not moving his head. 

Magnus sighed as he thought about his late longtime friend. He nodded as he began to rub circles on the shadowhunter's back. "It is. And I thought I'd never be able to get over it. I felt so lost."

"How did you get over it?"

Magnus moved so he was looking down at the younger man and smiled softly. "I had you. And I had Raphael. And Simon and Isabelle. But most of all, I had you. I don't know if you realize this Alexander Lightwood, but you have saved me in more ways than one."

Alec smiled up at Magnus and leaned up to kiss him. Magnus met him halfway and their lips melted together. The kiss was chaste and wet and salty and just perfect. It was all the two needed in that moment. Eventually, they pulled away and Magnus turned to look at the tv and the forgotten TV show. He smiled. 

"I see you were watching that show that Max was obsessed with. How is it?"

Alec snorted lightly as he glanced over at the TV as well. "Insane and all over the place. I can see why he loved it though and I feel closer to him when I watch it. It's about family and... fighting for what you believe in." As Alec said that last part, he intertwined his fingers with Magnus'. 

Magnus smiled at that and placed another kiss on Alec's lips. 

"I can't tell you how to feel my dear, or how to get better or even how long it will take because I don't know. But I do know one thing for sure. I will always be here. You will always have me and I will do everything in my power to make it better. To be strong for you. To be someone you can lean on. I love you Alexander Gideon Lightwood."

Alec kissed Magnus' knuckles before kissing the warlock again on the lips. "I love you too, Magnus Bane. You're everything to me. And as long as you'll have me, I promise to be strong for you as well. To be someone you can always rely on."

The shared a kiss once more before turning back to the TV to continue watching One Piece. They sat there for the rest of the day watching the ridiculous, and sometimes incredible, antics of the Straw Hat Crew and reveling in each other's warmth. As the sun set on the city skyline, they knew that as long as they had each other and their friends, it would all be ok. Suddenly things did not seem so dark anymore.


End file.
